To Be a Faith Walker

Psalm 145:4 -7
"Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts.
I will meditate on your majestic, glorious splendor and your wonderful miracles.
your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue; I will proclaim your greatness.
Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness; they will sing with JOY of your righteousness."

These verses get me excited.  I think David was a blogger before there was such a term - his words are thought provoking and transparent.  I get excited about these verses because God is doing such an amazing thing with my family - I want to proclaim HIS greatness!  This past year has been a journey:  seeing God's provision, His faithfulness, His willingness to use my family with all our imperfections.  My kids will be telling this story to their children someday and encouraging them to step out and do whatever God puts on their hearts.

Last year, friends of ours donated $1000 for my family and I to attend Faithwalkers in Omaha, Nebraska (December 27-31).  We had a fun time but the whole time I struggled with the idea that experiencing "Faithwalkers" was the peak to some in their Christian faith.  Every year families look forward to this BIG event.  They have high expectations and will probably walk away feeling spiritually pumped after listening to great worship music and inspiring speakers.  Some people do walk away changed people and they do something with that change.  They may do something outside their comfort zone, like go on a mission trip or they may commit to being a spiritual leader in their family, or serve with Kids Against Hunger.  I also believe that quite a few will just go back to their busy lives, the experience of Faithwalkers will be just a pleasant memory.  Faithwalkers to some is just a social event, that in many ways pulls their families apart in several directions rather than bonding them with a common purpose.  To some, Faithwalkers is their "thing" that they are doing for God - they have to take time off work, pay money for a hotel and add one more thing to their busy schedules - to them, this is sacrifice enough.  To me, Faithwalkers was just the trailer to a bigger adventure of living for Christ.  It was that inner struggle and crying out to God for direction during my time at Faithwalkers that first started pulling me back to Africa.  The fact that we are leaving in just 10 days is an amazing testimony to God's goodness.  I want my kids to be excited and notice what God is doing in us and through us.  I want them to be doing God's will and looking forward to the next adventure He sends us on - willing to do His will.

  There is nothing in itself wrong with going to Faithwalkers, we will hopefully go again.  I just think that if attending a conference is all my faith and living for Christ amounts to, it's not worth it.  I would much rather be living out my faith on a daily basis, sold out for Christ, even if that means I never have time to attend another Faithwalkers convention.  Faithwalkers is not a bad thing, but for me and my family I want it to be a time of celebration of what God is doing in US.  I don't want to just go and listen to other people talking about what living for Christ can look like.

My prayer for my friends attending Faithwalkers this week is that they will be forever changed - and their life will no longer be their own.  That they will not be looking at this time as a social event but that their eyes would be "fixed on Jesus".  God has changed my life and grown my faith this year, and it all began with a seed of discontent that was fanned into flame at Faithwalkers 2010.

Keeping Balance

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about balance.  Maybe it's because I feel like things are so out of balance and I'm not sure how to get it back.  It seems that for the past 11 months I have been single minded, focused on our upcoming trip to Africa.  Even though this is a good thing, taking an immense amount of planning and preparation, it still has swung us out of balance.  Drew has worked long hours, the kids and I have devoted more hours to outside work than we normally would have.  Our school work has been increased so that we will be free to travel without all our books.  Our thoughts are constantly on how many days we have until we leave, what we need to pack, what else needs to be done, how can we avoid getting sick, how exactly do we use SKYPE?  Even our Christmas presents are all revolving around the theme of traveling.  There are many days I feel so overwhelmed that I just can't wait to be on the plane and done with all of the preparations.  In addition to all that leads to us to Africa, life still goes on.  I still need to pay the bills, feed my family, wash clothes, clean our home, correct papers, spend some time with my husband, family and friends... the list seems endless.

I'm sure many of you can relate.  Maybe it's not Africa exactly, but it could be a number of things that pull us off balance.  Maybe it's hockey, or drama, or some other sport that has your family feeling anything but united.  I envision myself at times on a balance beam just trying to get to the other side.  One way to keep your balance is to find a focus point and just concentrate on that.  One of my favorite verses is in the book of Hebrews, "Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our Faith."  I even have this verse stenciled on my family room wall so that I will be reminded of this every day.  I try to make Jesus my focus point when life starts to get crazy, at times it feels like I'm balancing on the beam, making my way across, only to be bombarded with water balloons trying to knock my off.

  Just this week, I had lunch with some college friends.  The subject came up of one of my friends daughters who both have scoliosis.  Ellie and I had just been at the hospital visiting her friend after surgery for scoliosis.  I  went home and was talking to Drew about how strange it was that 2 of my friends were going through this.  Ellie walked in the room and I had her bend over to check her spine, I was just curious.  Drew and I were shocked to see that her spine was VERY crooked.  I slept little that first night, wondering how I could fit this into our already busy days and yet feeling this fear that I couldn't just let it go.  I had to remind myself to get my eyes off the circumstances and the "what ifs" and trust the One who formed my little girl in my womb.  Today I was able to get her into our chiropractor for an x-ray and he confirmed that she does have scoliosis.  He assured us that even though her spine is in the shape of an S, she is still very healthy and he does not see FEAR when he looks at her x-ray.  He was so encouraging about moving forward in having a base evaluation and checking her again to see if anything has changed once we return to the states.  It's funny how freaked out I was feeling but actually nothing had changed in God's eyes.  He knew her spine was growing crooked and yet He was still leading us to go to Africa.  Ellie is the same young lady she was before we looked closely at her spine.   I realize when we return, we will have to make decisions that will be for Ellie's best interest.  Today I can rest, knowing that I don't have to have everything figured out all at once.

I think balance is really about recognizing when we are off balance and putting our focus back where it belongs.  I'm going to share a journal entry from a Mom who just yesterday went to be with Jesus.  Heidi Swenson left behind a husband and 7 young children.  Even in her final days, she could see that her family was getting off balance.  Not that anyone would blame them, but it is so beautiful how she brings their eyes to the future glory of meeting Jesus.

09.01.2011

Would you mind dear family and precious friends if I go on ahead of you to help Jesus prepare a place of exquisite beauty, tremendous joy, and radiant love for you?  I am exhausted and weary from all this mourning.  I feel the mourning day and night, in your presence and away.  I hurt as I cause you to mourn.  I am exhausting those nearest to me.  I sob every day at being able to do less and less to care for you.  I imagined myself helping you lovely grandparents in your old age, not this.  I hurt so much over what I am causing you to feel and sacrifice in your tender care of me.  I must change my perspective.

So, would you mind if I focus on the joy ahead of all of us--a time when we are all re-united at the feet of Jesus?  Then it won't feel so much like I am deserting you, rather going on ahead where I shall lovingly and eagerly await your adoptive arrival into my Father's heavenly family.  As I prepare my/ our wedding gown for Christ, know I forgive you any shortcomings and humbly  I beg your forgiveness for the hurt you hold from my existence.

With an everlasting joy, Heidi (taken from her Caringbridge entry)

The things that I am balancing are nothing compared to what this dear family is going through.  I hope her words challenge you like they do me, to remember to fix your eyes on Jesus too.  

Hebrews 12:1-3  "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Provision My Way

Yesterday I shared how God has been providing for us in some amazing ways over the years, but more specifically leading up to our trip to Africa.  I am an idea person, so when we first started realizing just how much this trip would cost, my mind started thinking of different ways to make it happen.

Earlier this year "Minute to Win It" was in town looking for people to be on their show.  We don't even watch the show usually because it is on Wednesday nights and we are at AWANA on Wednesday nights.  A few times we have caught the end of the show or watched it on some of the free Wednesday nights we had.  If you have never seen the show, the contestants do all kinds of crazy games/competitions and each time they successfully complete the challenge they move up a level.  Each challenge has a dollar amount and you can win lots and lots of money.  When I heard about the local auditions I shot them an email.  For whatever reason, I got a reply email with an invitation to audition with my family and a VIP pass so we could move to the head of the line.  I was so excited and completely sure that God was going to let us get on the show.  I figured we could give God glory since we had a good reason for wanting the money.  It would also be a quick and easy way to have all the funds we needed and maybe some leftover too.  I liked the idea of an easy solution to our money dilemma.

Things got crazy around here for a while.  We checked out the "Minute to Win It" web site for all the different challenges that had been done.  We set up stations so we could practice all the different games.  I have to admit, I was terrible at all of them.  I was too impatient to bounce a pencil in a cup or get a cookie from my forehead to my mouth.  I wanted to get on the show because it sounded like an easy way to get to Africa but I really didn't want to practice so that I would be ready.  Thankfully, my kids were great at almost every challenge they tried. Although they were having trouble getting a playing card to lodge itself into a watermelon by throwing it from 3 feet away.  I'm still finding cards in random places in my basement.  I was feeling a little nervous because we wanted to be good examples since we were using our money for missions.  All the competition brought out some pretty ugly parts of our character and we hadn't even left our home.  We laughed a lot too as we stacked Oreos on our foreheads and did other crazy stunts.  We put everything else on hold as we worked on our training, not knowing exactly what would be expected of us at the auditions.

The day of the auditions finally arrived and we headed out to the furniture store where auditions were being held.  Our 10 page application was all filled out and we had our matching shirts to boot.  The store was overflowing with people and once inside the door the line of contestant hopefuls wound and wound throughout the store, they would have a long wait ahead of them.  With our pass we awkwardly walked past all these staring eyes to the front of the line.  Everyone else had only one page applications so we felt pretty good about our chances.  The "audition" was over in about 30 seconds and we were walking out the door.  That was very anti-climatic but we were all so thankful that we were not part of the crowd waiting all day in line to have the same experience.We never heard from "Minute to Win It" again.  All that practicing for nothing except to annoy me whenever I find another ping pong ball, or card, or cup with holes in it, in a cupboard or under furniture.  It was kind of a waste of time in the end.

Thinking about that experience showed me just how easy it is to get our eyes off of what God intends for us and that which is fun or will make life easy.  I wanted to "win big" for a good cause but in doing so I would have missed so much.  The people who have been praying for us for months probably wouldn't be, since most of these people knew what we were doing from our support letter.  Our family has been so touched by the sense of community we have had knowing people are investing in us on our journey, both financially and through prayer.  Practicing for "Minute to Win It" would not have prepared us for what we will be doing in Africa.  However, working on remodeling the house that we helped "flip" was great preparation for all of us (since we will be doing construction projects).   We have had lots of opportunity to work together as a team and support one another.  Our character has grown as we have had to work harder than we ever have before and persevere to the end.

"God's ways are higher than our ways" and I've found that to be true.  We are winners!  My faith has grown leaps and bounds this year as I've seen first hand God's faithfulness.  My kids wanted to be on "Minute to Win It" because they have never been on an airplane.  They will get to be on an airplane for a VERY long time and God used our hard work, along with big and small gifts and lots of prayer from our friends.

God's Provision

As we are coming closer to leaving for Africa, I am in awe of how God is providing all that we need.  The idea of having enough money in our bank account to pay all our bills (house,insurance, utilities) while we are away and having enough for 5 of us to travel was overwhelming to say the least.  It was the "mountain" that had to be moved in order for this dream to become a reality.  It was also the sign that we would know this was God giving us these desires, because if He was not behind this trip there would be no way that we could make it happen.  It has been a faith journey from the very beginning, but to be honest, that journey began with our family long before this mission trip.

Back in the late 80's, when my young marriage failed and I found myself parenting alone, I realized I could not make it on my own.  I saw for the first time how my decisions and selfishness had got me to a place that was very hard.  For the first time I really understood my need for a Savior and surrendered my future to my Lord Jesus Christ.  I had a lot to learn along that road (and I am still learning), but it was the best decision I have ever made.  As a single Mom, things were tight even though I had a full time job with good benefits.  One day I was reading in Malachi where God is talking about tithing and it says to "test Me in this".  I had no money and didn't even know how I was going to pay my house payment that month.  I chose to take the Bible at it's word and test God in this area.  I tithed that next paycheck and had a peace and a security that I had not felt before.  In addition to that, God provided in so many amazing ways that my faith was strengthened.  I know some of you will read this and say that Malachi is in the Old Testament so we don't need to follow the idea of tithing the first 10% of your income.  I'm not here to debate, I'm here to tell my story that God has been faithful and my experience is that he really has provided all that I have needed.  As New Testament Christians, I believe that it's all God's money anyway, we should be giving at least 10%.  I did go through a short time when a well meaning Christian advised me that God didn't intend for the poor to have to give back to be provided for.  That time was a time of worry and anxiety and I will not go back to that type of thinking.

When I met Drew, one thing that attracted me to him was his conviction and practice of tithing.  I knew that most marriages struggle because of money issues and this was an important foundation for both of us.  We have been married for over 18 years now and Drew has been in seasonal construction for all of those years.  We have had years of plenty and especially in the past few, years of lean.  God has been our provider through them all.  As long as I have my eyes fixed on Him and not on circumstances, my heart is at peace.  As soon as I take them off my real source of income, I get anxious, worried and filled with doubt.  My friends know that most years as winter approaches I start to get worried and have to remind myself that God has never let us down.

Last year's winter season had Drew feeling very anxious.  The season before his income had dropped quite a bit from previous years and we didn't have as much money in the bank for the long winter as we liked.   This was also right about the time that I brought up our whole family going to Africa.  A couple of things happened that helped calm his nerves, and had nothing to do with us getting more money.  The first was when we started praying for Africa, we were reminded of all the ways God had provided for us in the past.  We also realized how it was out of our control in many ways.  The second was that Drew had a lead part in a musical that the kids were in at the church where they had attended AWANA.  The part was a bit cheesy but most of his lines were directly from scripture.  For an hour most days he would go over and over the lines from this play, which was all about taking our burdens to the "Rock" of our Salvation.  Something about saying these truths out loud day after day, transformed my husband.  The timing of this musical couldn't have been more perfect.

Once we made the decision to move forward with our trip to Africa we still had no idea where the money would come from.  Knowing many of you have hearts for missions, we sent out support letters for those who may want to partner with us on this adventure.  That has been humbling and encouraging to see so many people come up along side us and help make this happen.  We are so thankful for the gifts that have come in.  We have received large sums from anonymous givers and some from names we don't even know, as well as from our friends and family.  The Bible talks about faith without works being dead and we have worked hard this year to do our part.  A friend had been talking for 2 years with Drew about "flipping" a house together but the right house just never came along.  Right in the middle of us trying to find a way to make this work, the perfect house came along that our whole family could work on.  We appreciate the fact that he would take the risk to have us work on this huge investment.  It was hard work but has provided all that we need to pay the bills while we are gone.  Ellie and I have sold Norwex products and cleaned houses together.  The boys have done lawn work and other odd jobs to pitch in for the expenses coming up.  Drew has had many side job opportunities, almost more than he has time in a day to do.  Drew's sister gave us a laptop that we can use to stay in communication while we are away.  It has been so cool for all of us to see God's hand in providing opportunity as well as money for our needs.

My faith has grown so much this year and reading this makes it look as if it all came right when I thought it should.  We have had deadlines along the way for expenses and I don't think we have had enough in our account for any of them.  As each deadline has come (like for airline tickets), we have prayed like crazy for God to show us what to do.  In the end, we felt at peace and went forward with the purchase not knowing if all the funds would be there or not.  Each time at just the right moment (but later than I would have preferred), the money has been there.  I'm embarrassed to say that I still have moments of doubt even after seeing God's hand provide time after time.  I don't want to be so stressed that I can't see where the last money is going to come from, or if we will have enough in our savings for all our bills after paying out what needs to be paid. I feel so unworthy of all these blessings that have been showered down on us.       

I'm amazed at God's patience with me.  Even this weekend as I was once again praying and asking (and even doubting a little), a number of random people came up to us and gave us gifts of $100 each.  I'm like a little child that has to see and touch to believe.  Lord help me in my unbelief as we continue waiting on you!

Still Obsessing over the Tumbu Fly

I thought about posting a video from Youtube about these flies that lay their eggs on laundry.  The videos show what happens when the larvae burrow into your skin... honestly, I wasn't able to finish watching any of them.  Just the little bit I saw haunts me.  The interesting thing is, millions of people live around the tumbu fly everyday of their life and it's no big deal.   I understand that all you need to do is iron your clothes to kill these eggs yet I still obsess.  Maybe it's because I've heard the electricity where we are going is unreliable, sometimes off for days or even weeks at a time.  Iron's require electricity.  We had the opportunity to hang out with Josh and Audra Cadd yesterday.  They are missionaries with Wycliffe Associates on furlough from Kenya, Africa.  As I was talking to Josh and Audra I told them my fear of this larvae getting under my skin.  Josh calmly said, "You just squeeze it out."   Just like a zit, the worm is out and life goes on.  (Anyone else besides me squirming?)  He really had a point, that is just a little thing and you need to deal with it and move on.

  Drew and I celebrated our 18th anniversary  yesterday.   Honestly, over the years there have been things Drew has done that have "gotten under my skin".  To be fair, there have been things that I have done to "get under his skin".   If I obsessed,or when I have obsessed over these little things, it has put a strain in our relationship.  It's when we "squeeze it out" that we are able to move on to the more important things in life.  I think this is true in any relationship.   When we dwell on little things pretty soon it destroys the unity and becomes a festering wound in our relationship.   One of the ways we have kept our marriage strong is by being quick to forgive.  We know that we are not each others enemies and so we believe the best in each other.  When I notice that I am obsessing about all the things that are "bugging" me about Drew, I instead shift my thoughts to all the things I am thankful for... and the list is long!

Colossians 3: 12-14
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

As we look forward to our time in Africa, I know we will make some amazing relationships with the people we meet.  I'm not going to let a pesky little fly get in the way.

Why Africa?

The whole reason I've started blogging is so that I can keep people informed about our activities in Africa.  I figure that I better know what I am doing before we set out or it might not happen.  That being said, I'll give you a little background on our decision to take our family to Africa.

  

Back in 2005, our church had a team go to Kenya to work with Wycliffe Associates.  Eric and Tracey Hagman are missionaries in Kenya and our trip was in part to support and encourage them because their family was originally from Evergreen Community Church.  Drew and I were on that team and it really was life changing.  There is something about working alongside these people who had very little, yet more joy than I could even imagine.  It was inspiring and humbling to  listen to them thank God for all their riches and quote scripture knowing they were truly Words of Life.  I realize in a 2 week trip you get the "honeymoon" version of what a country is like but we were determined to return to Africa.  As we talked we decided that when our kids were old enough we would come back to Africa with them so that they could experience this first hand.  When Chris was younger we had gone on a mission trip with him to Honduras and found that to be a very worthwhile investment.  So our plan was made and life went on.

Fast forward 6 years, to January 2011.  The economy has been in a several year slump and we are feeling it.  Drew works in seasonal construction and has to worker harder than ever for less money than ever.  We're doing okay but it's definitely by the grace of God and we surely don't have EXTRA.  One day as I was praying for our friends in Africa while walking on my treadmill this thought came blazing into my mind.  "If you are ever going to take your kids back to Africa like you said, the time is now."  It was that clear.  Being the logical one that I am, all I could think was - That would be impossible.  Right about then, the song came on with the line "He can move a mountain..."  Wow, did I believe that God could move a mountain?  I felt really challenged by that thought as I prayed more about the possibility of us taking our kids to Africa.  In my mind, I pictured just the 5 of us going and staying near Eric and Tracey.  I thought the kids and I could work at Heshima with Tracey, and Drew could do construction with Eric.  We had been there before so it didn't seem too risky.

Once I had this great idea figured out in my head I went upstairs to talk to Drew about it.  Now here is what I love about this man.  He could have laughed at me or said "No way" or just ignored me.  He looked at me and said "Wow, that would be great.  You're right, there is no way we could do that without God making a way for us to.  I think we should pray as a family for 2 weeks and see if we still should move forward."
So we prayed and prayed (all 5 of us) for 2 weeks.  At the end of the 2 weeks we sent an email to Eric to see if it would even work.  He copied our email on to Michael Wahl with Wycliffe Associate (Volunteer Coordinator).  We laid our plans before the Lord and he took our willingness.  Michael called us right away and said it wouldn't work for us to go to Kenya but would we consider going to Cameroon?  Cameroon sounded almost as good, since we had another couple from our church moving there.  Then he asked if we could get a team together...Okay.  This wasn't really what we had in mind but our good friends Jon and Julie Sybrant agreed to co-lead a team with us.  There are 16 people in our team!  We thought we were just dipping our toes into the water to see if there was a need and suddenly things are happening.  We still had no idea where we would come up with the money.

Well, I'm here to say that God really can move a mountain when it is part of His plan.  We had prayed for things before that just seemed to go on empty ears after years of laying it before God.  I don't know why this is so important to Him or even why he would chose to use me and my family - I'm just along for the ride.  With each step of faith we have taken on this journey the money has come in at just the right time.  We have been blown away with the generosity of people, some we don't even know!  The more we planned the clearer it became to us that we should stay longer than the team.  There are a lot of projects going on in Cameroon and we have the time.  The biggest expense is the airline tickets so in our mind we might as well get our moneys worth and stay until mid-March.  Since making this decision to stay 10 1/2 weeks I have heard a few different speakers talk about the 6 week point being very difficult in a new land.  I really believe this is going to bring us closer as a family and cause us to cling to Jesus in a whole new way.

Thoughts on Parenting

I had this epiphany the other day: So much of who I am is wrapped up in being a Mom, which in my case is homeschooling and raising my kids. I can hardly think of myself outside of those terms. I'm sure this is why I can start feeling anxious when I think time is going by at warp speed and I realize I can't slow it down. We really only have a handful of years left with our kids at home. Have I done enough to help them prepare for life? What will I do when they are all gone? Then it hit me, my overall purpose will not change. My purpose all along has been to live my life to give God glory and to be faithful with the job he has given me. For the past 23 years, my full time job has been being Mom to my 4 kids. My job will change but I'm confident that God will make my new job just as clear. Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Being a Mom has definitely been the most fulfilling thing I have done... and also the most challenging. It seems my failures have taught me far more than actually getting it right the first time. When Drew and I married, I was a single Mom with a 5 year old son (Chris). Being a young Mom I really did strive to do my best, but looking back I could have done so much better for him. Hind sight is 20/20 and the reality is, I did the best with what I knew. Good thing Chris is blessed with a great sense of humor because we often refer to him as our "experimental child". The poor first born, what they have to put up with.

Not long ago, I dropped by the worksite where I was suppose to meet Drew. He was not there but I chatted with the homeowner for a few minutes. She told me there were just 2 men there and I realized one of them was Chris. I told her that Chris was my son. She looked at me with this huge smile and said "He's your son? What a nice young man he is!" That warmed this Mom's heart! We have had some long hard years with him and it's so encouraging to be seeing the other side of those hard times.

Drew and I have had the advantage of having 8 years between our eldest and the next child. We've been able to look at what we wished we would have done better and what we think we did right. We also realized we better get it right because our last 3 are all just 3 years and 3 months apart. I don't dwell too much on my failures - I really see them as opportunities for me to change.

Here are some lessons we have learned:

1. Make the most of the time I have with my kids - it does go by fast!

2. Live according to our own convictions - not what other people think is best.

3. Surround ourselves with like minded families.

4. Treat my kids the way I want to be treated.

5. See them each as unique individuals - enjoy how God created them.

6. When I hurt them or fail, be quick to ask forgiveness and get our relationship right!

7. Let natural consequences teach them - resist the urge to bail them out before the lesson is learned.

8. Pray with them and for them.

9. Be united as a team (Drew and I).

10. Show them in the way we live that God really is our Everything!

Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to make the most of our time, so that we may grow in wisdom." I realize I still have much to learn and I'm thankful to have the opportunity to raise these kids to make a difference in this world. As they are all becoming young people, capable of doing so much, it's easy to think that my job is done. I don't want to prematurely let go of the wheel. I want to finish strong this job marked out for me. I realize we're shifting to more of a coaching role so I guess I better brush up on my coaching skills.