Keeping Balance

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about balance.  Maybe it's because I feel like things are so out of balance and I'm not sure how to get it back.  It seems that for the past 11 months I have been single minded, focused on our upcoming trip to Africa.  Even though this is a good thing, taking an immense amount of planning and preparation, it still has swung us out of balance.  Drew has worked long hours, the kids and I have devoted more hours to outside work than we normally would have.  Our school work has been increased so that we will be free to travel without all our books.  Our thoughts are constantly on how many days we have until we leave, what we need to pack, what else needs to be done, how can we avoid getting sick, how exactly do we use SKYPE?  Even our Christmas presents are all revolving around the theme of traveling.  There are many days I feel so overwhelmed that I just can't wait to be on the plane and done with all of the preparations.  In addition to all that leads to us to Africa, life still goes on.  I still need to pay the bills, feed my family, wash clothes, clean our home, correct papers, spend some time with my husband, family and friends... the list seems endless.

I'm sure many of you can relate.  Maybe it's not Africa exactly, but it could be a number of things that pull us off balance.  Maybe it's hockey, or drama, or some other sport that has your family feeling anything but united.  I envision myself at times on a balance beam just trying to get to the other side.  One way to keep your balance is to find a focus point and just concentrate on that.  One of my favorite verses is in the book of Hebrews, "Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our Faith."  I even have this verse stenciled on my family room wall so that I will be reminded of this every day.  I try to make Jesus my focus point when life starts to get crazy, at times it feels like I'm balancing on the beam, making my way across, only to be bombarded with water balloons trying to knock my off.

  Just this week, I had lunch with some college friends.  The subject came up of one of my friends daughters who both have scoliosis.  Ellie and I had just been at the hospital visiting her friend after surgery for scoliosis.  I  went home and was talking to Drew about how strange it was that 2 of my friends were going through this.  Ellie walked in the room and I had her bend over to check her spine, I was just curious.  Drew and I were shocked to see that her spine was VERY crooked.  I slept little that first night, wondering how I could fit this into our already busy days and yet feeling this fear that I couldn't just let it go.  I had to remind myself to get my eyes off the circumstances and the "what ifs" and trust the One who formed my little girl in my womb.  Today I was able to get her into our chiropractor for an x-ray and he confirmed that she does have scoliosis.  He assured us that even though her spine is in the shape of an S, she is still very healthy and he does not see FEAR when he looks at her x-ray.  He was so encouraging about moving forward in having a base evaluation and checking her again to see if anything has changed once we return to the states.  It's funny how freaked out I was feeling but actually nothing had changed in God's eyes.  He knew her spine was growing crooked and yet He was still leading us to go to Africa.  Ellie is the same young lady she was before we looked closely at her spine.   I realize when we return, we will have to make decisions that will be for Ellie's best interest.  Today I can rest, knowing that I don't have to have everything figured out all at once.

I think balance is really about recognizing when we are off balance and putting our focus back where it belongs.  I'm going to share a journal entry from a Mom who just yesterday went to be with Jesus.  Heidi Swenson left behind a husband and 7 young children.  Even in her final days, she could see that her family was getting off balance.  Not that anyone would blame them, but it is so beautiful how she brings their eyes to the future glory of meeting Jesus.

09.01.2011

Would you mind dear family and precious friends if I go on ahead of you to help Jesus prepare a place of exquisite beauty, tremendous joy, and radiant love for you?  I am exhausted and weary from all this mourning.  I feel the mourning day and night, in your presence and away.  I hurt as I cause you to mourn.  I am exhausting those nearest to me.  I sob every day at being able to do less and less to care for you.  I imagined myself helping you lovely grandparents in your old age, not this.  I hurt so much over what I am causing you to feel and sacrifice in your tender care of me.  I must change my perspective.

So, would you mind if I focus on the joy ahead of all of us--a time when we are all re-united at the feet of Jesus?  Then it won't feel so much like I am deserting you, rather going on ahead where I shall lovingly and eagerly await your adoptive arrival into my Father's heavenly family.  As I prepare my/ our wedding gown for Christ, know I forgive you any shortcomings and humbly  I beg your forgiveness for the hurt you hold from my existence.

With an everlasting joy, Heidi (taken from her Caringbridge entry)

The things that I am balancing are nothing compared to what this dear family is going through.  I hope her words challenge you like they do me, to remember to fix your eyes on Jesus too.  

Hebrews 12:1-3  "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Missing Mom

With the holiday season coming up, I find myself thinking about my Mom more than normal.  This will be our 5th holiday season since she died and it has never been the same.  My Mom was definitely the glue that held our family together and I never appreciated enough how much work she put into every holiday to make it  special.  I try to keep up the traditions as much as possible but I fall short in so many ways.

As a kid I never gave Thanksgiving, or Christmas for that matter, a second thought.  We would get together with my Grandparents and Aunts, Uncles and cousins.  The food would be amazing - especially the desserts.  We would play games or football if it were nice out.  It just seemed so easy.  I didn't realize the planning that happened before hand, all the time that everyone put into preparing the menu and the food.  I was blissfully unaware if there was any kind of family conflict.  I didn't know if any one person felt too much of the work was falling on their shoulders.  I barely noticed who set everything out or how it got cleaned up, unless I was asked to help.  I had no idea that someone put hours into cleaning and decorating before any guests (family) showed up.  I just showed up, ate some great food and left the home of my Grandparents or went to my room if the festivities were at our house.  Who knew that once everyone left the house had to be cleaned up again before the host could rest.

It wasn't until years later that I sensed from my Mom that she didn't necessarily enjoy all the work that went into pulling off a great holiday meal.  In fact, thinking back, I can remember a few times that the turkey was really dry or something else went wrong with my Moms cooking.  As a Mom now I can look back and realize that quite a bit of what we did was actually stressful on my Mom.  Maybe it was the subtle or not so subtle way she said "Why do we even do this?  Lets just go out to eat."  I thought she was kidding but I'm starting to realize that she might not have been.

 My Mom was from the 50's she was suppose to be able to whip up a meal and make it look easy.  Even when her health started slowing her down and she asked me to host holidays, she still brought most of the food.  The rest of us brought side dishes and desserts, you can't have too many sweets.  Now that my Mom is no longer here, and my Dad leaves Minnesota long before the holidays start, it's my siblings families and mine carrying on tradition.  I feel like I need to make the holiday meals just like my Mom did.  Maybe it's because I admire my Mom so much that I want to be like her.  Maybe it's just a small way to make me feel like she is still here with us.   I want my house to be as spic and span as my Mom's house would be.  I want it to have the same warm feeling and smells that remind me so much of my Mom.  I want my guests to feel as welcome as my Mom always made people feel in her home.   It can all feel a little overwhelming.

Thanksgiving is less than a week away and not much thought has gone into it, my family is very good about waiting until the last minute.  My house is a mess.  My brother that lives with us has big plans for his dessert he's making and probably has to special order some strange ingredient that goes into it.  He is the gourmet cook, fun to try his creations but honestly we are just plain folk around here.  I haven't talked to my other brother to see if they will be here or what time they can come.  I'm not sure what my sister is bringing but she is a far better cook then I am.  I'm not sure who else will make it that are in Minnesota but we'll set a plate for them if they come.

I know people say you make a new normal when a family member dies, but this "normal" feels so forced.  I miss the way it used to be.  Mom, I understand now why I found you crying in the kitchen after your parents had passed away.  I tried to cheer you up by saying "What's the big deal, they're dancing in heaven?"  I get it now why that made you so angry.  You were not ready for a new normal without them any more then I am ready for my new normal.  You did such a great job passing a new normal on to us kids.  I hope that I am successful in passing this normal on to my kids so that they cherish their holiday memories.

Mom, I will think of you feasting at the banquet table in heaven this Thanksgiving.  I have much to be thankful for and at the top of my list is having had a Mom who showed me how to serve and how to love.  I miss you like crazy and look forward to that day when we will feast together in eternity.