Follow-up to Cameroon

I had forgotten about this blog, but signed on so I could comment on a friends blog. I was shocked to see how many people have looked at these blogs in the past year. Last month over 200 people looked at my old blog - from all over the world! When I first started writing, my purpose was to keep my friends and family informed about our trip to Cameroon and fill in all the fun details of living there. I loved watching the stats and getting feedback from my friends, especially during some of the lonelier days. It seems very amusing to me that anyone else would find any of this interesting.

Since we have returned home, life has gone on at the same crazy speed as ever. One difference that shows me that we will never be the same from our experience we shared as a family- a day does not go by that one of us does not reference a memory from Africa. I love that we will always have these amazing memories. We are constantly comparing our days in Minnesota to what they were like in Cameroon. We all share the longing we have to see our friends that will always have a place in our hearts. Another change that I see is that our prayer life is a little richer - oh how I would love to have the depth of prayer that some of our African friends have. The missionaries that we have met along the way (especially those who were our neighbors), are prayed for as if they were family. I have so much respect and admiration for the missionaries that are working side by side with our brothers and sisters in Cameroon bringing God's Word to the ends of Cameroon (and beyond). I honestly cannot think of any other 3 month time of my life that had a greater impact on me or my family. My faith deepened, my eyes were opened to what the "true" missionaries do on a day to day basis and all that they give up for the Kingdom of God. I am stirred to be discontent with who I am and settling for living a "comfortable" life. I'm constantly praying and asking God what he wants to do through my life here in Minnesota. Asking and waiting for clear answers but seeing my family as my main ministry. I see my job of discipling my kids as an even greater calling. My children have been changed in ways I never could have imagined - I am excited to see all that will mean as they spread their wings and explore the path that God will take them on as young adults.

It has been over a year since our whole family returned from our great adventure.  This past January (exactly one year from the date we went last year) - Kyle and Drew returned to Cameroon to work on a concrete project in Bamenda.  This was not in our plan but when the opportunity came they just could not refuse.    The time they spent there was quite different than our time in Ndu and there were not the daily blog of all that they did.  Two other men from our church joined them for 2 of the weeks that they were there.  Kyle and Drew added a 3rd week and headed up to see our friends in Ndu again.  It was encouraging for them to connect again with many of the people that had imprinted themselves on our lives.  They also made new friends in Bamenda.  Drew told me of a family that had them over a few times for pizza and fellowship - missionaries from the states who have been in Cameroon for 20 years or so.  He said I would love meeting the wife - and that we would certainly be good friends.  Sadly, Karen Jackson died recently  - leaving her husband and daughters (and the whole Jackson Village) mourning their loss.  Even though I had never met her, I found myself mourning with them and looking forward to that day when I shall meet her.  Her death has challenged me.   I read of the joy that all those who knew of her talk about, of the dedication she had towards her family and her extended "village", of her deep love for her Savior and how that love drove her to show Christ to those around her.  She lived her life to the fullest and there will be a large whole left in this world.   She was only a few years older than I - and I am reminded that life is short.  Her life and their blog have challenged me to want to be a brighter light and to take more risks as I live a life fully sold out for our Lord Jesus.  As I see all the people from all over the world searching for something new to read.... I hope that they will come across one of my blogs and find encouragement and hope.

My family often talks of how we long to return to Cameroon... but actually, I believe we are longing for our home in Heaven.  Cameroon showed us a glimpse of the fellowship we can share with believers from all areas of the world.... Heaven will be that and so much more.  I can't wait for that ADVENTURE!!!!

Missing Mom

With the holiday season coming up, I find myself thinking about my Mom more than normal.  This will be our 5th holiday season since she died and it has never been the same.  My Mom was definitely the glue that held our family together and I never appreciated enough how much work she put into every holiday to make it  special.  I try to keep up the traditions as much as possible but I fall short in so many ways.

As a kid I never gave Thanksgiving, or Christmas for that matter, a second thought.  We would get together with my Grandparents and Aunts, Uncles and cousins.  The food would be amazing - especially the desserts.  We would play games or football if it were nice out.  It just seemed so easy.  I didn't realize the planning that happened before hand, all the time that everyone put into preparing the menu and the food.  I was blissfully unaware if there was any kind of family conflict.  I didn't know if any one person felt too much of the work was falling on their shoulders.  I barely noticed who set everything out or how it got cleaned up, unless I was asked to help.  I had no idea that someone put hours into cleaning and decorating before any guests (family) showed up.  I just showed up, ate some great food and left the home of my Grandparents or went to my room if the festivities were at our house.  Who knew that once everyone left the house had to be cleaned up again before the host could rest.

It wasn't until years later that I sensed from my Mom that she didn't necessarily enjoy all the work that went into pulling off a great holiday meal.  In fact, thinking back, I can remember a few times that the turkey was really dry or something else went wrong with my Moms cooking.  As a Mom now I can look back and realize that quite a bit of what we did was actually stressful on my Mom.  Maybe it was the subtle or not so subtle way she said "Why do we even do this?  Lets just go out to eat."  I thought she was kidding but I'm starting to realize that she might not have been.

 My Mom was from the 50's she was suppose to be able to whip up a meal and make it look easy.  Even when her health started slowing her down and she asked me to host holidays, she still brought most of the food.  The rest of us brought side dishes and desserts, you can't have too many sweets.  Now that my Mom is no longer here, and my Dad leaves Minnesota long before the holidays start, it's my siblings families and mine carrying on tradition.  I feel like I need to make the holiday meals just like my Mom did.  Maybe it's because I admire my Mom so much that I want to be like her.  Maybe it's just a small way to make me feel like she is still here with us.   I want my house to be as spic and span as my Mom's house would be.  I want it to have the same warm feeling and smells that remind me so much of my Mom.  I want my guests to feel as welcome as my Mom always made people feel in her home.   It can all feel a little overwhelming.

Thanksgiving is less than a week away and not much thought has gone into it, my family is very good about waiting until the last minute.  My house is a mess.  My brother that lives with us has big plans for his dessert he's making and probably has to special order some strange ingredient that goes into it.  He is the gourmet cook, fun to try his creations but honestly we are just plain folk around here.  I haven't talked to my other brother to see if they will be here or what time they can come.  I'm not sure what my sister is bringing but she is a far better cook then I am.  I'm not sure who else will make it that are in Minnesota but we'll set a plate for them if they come.

I know people say you make a new normal when a family member dies, but this "normal" feels so forced.  I miss the way it used to be.  Mom, I understand now why I found you crying in the kitchen after your parents had passed away.  I tried to cheer you up by saying "What's the big deal, they're dancing in heaven?"  I get it now why that made you so angry.  You were not ready for a new normal without them any more then I am ready for my new normal.  You did such a great job passing a new normal on to us kids.  I hope that I am successful in passing this normal on to my kids so that they cherish their holiday memories.

Mom, I will think of you feasting at the banquet table in heaven this Thanksgiving.  I have much to be thankful for and at the top of my list is having had a Mom who showed me how to serve and how to love.  I miss you like crazy and look forward to that day when we will feast together in eternity.